Tired

I am beginning to wonder if I can do it all.  I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water these days.  I walked into the kitchen at work this afternoon and my director told me that I look like I've been dragging.  And she's right.  I've always been able to juggle everything - work, school, kids - but I'm dropping the ball lately.  I am super behind at school.  I have a huge project due in a month and am supposed to be halfway done with it when I meet with my professor next week but I haven't even started it yet. I'm supposed to be reading 2 different books for my other class and I'm 3 weeks behind on those.  I'm supposed to be reading the bible with our church through a community bible experience, but I've only made it through a day and a half of the past 10 days readings. The laundry is piled a mile high.  I haven't been working out.  I've been doing terrible on my diet the past couple weeks and have been eating out more because it's easier.  I was late picking Brayden up from school today. I think I'm spreading myself too thin.
Rubin is gone most weeks Mon-Fri out of town so I'm a single mom during the week. I am working 6 days a week with 12 hour days at least twice a week between work and school.  My kids spend way more time with the babysitter than me and I wonder sometimes if it's worth it.  I'm exhausted all the time and when I actually do get to spend time with the kids my patience is pretty thin. I keep thinking that things will slow down eventually or that I'll just get used to it but I'm starting to worry a little.
So, what am I doing about it?  Sitting here writing a blog post instead of doing my homework. I guess I should put the computer down and do something productive. But I'm tired. Maybe I'll just go to bed and try again tomorrow.

Pigs - by Brayden Chrisman

So I am terrible at blogging.  I keep thinking that I should do it more often, and usually come up with great things to write about when I'm in the shower, but when I finally sit down at the end of the day I'm done with creative thought.  But here I am, trying again.  Maybe I'll stick with it more than once or twice a year this time.  We'll see :)
My first post required no thought at all - just another kid story I wanted to share.  I really want to get better about writing these things down.  I know that nobody reads my blog anyway - I just enjoy being able to go back and read stories about the funny things my kids do (especially since I have 3 kids and 0 baby books).  So I just looked through Brayden's pile of schoolwork on the dining room table since I haven't been home the past 2 nights and found this lovely story (complete with illustration).

Did you know that pigs are very smart?  Pigs are the animals that give you ribs.  Pigs behave, eat, and live in many different ways.  Pigs eat dead animals like bugs but they don't just eat dead animals they also eat corn and grain.  Pigs roll in the mud to stay cool.  Pigs live on many barns but some pigs live in the wild.  Wild pigs normaley live in the forest. Pigs are real intruesting aren't they!

I love this kid :)  For the most part the story sounds like a typical 2nd grade boy writing about pigs, but I love that his 2nd sentence was that they give you ribs.  Hilarious.  And I'm pretty proud of his spelling for the most part, although not sure why pigs live on many barns...

My Miracle Baby's Birthday

I can't believe it's been a year since the crazy, scary night that changed my life forever. When going through this whole ordeal, I never really got emotional. I knew that God was in control and that everyone was praying for us. I think I only cried twice - the day my parents drove off with my boys, and another day on bedrest when I felt lonely b/c everyone wanted to let me rest and nobody wanted to "bother" me, when I wanted nothing more than to be bothered. As time has gone on, reality has set in a little more. I have seen other babies born around 24 weeks and seen similar stories on TV and I realize how truly blessed we are that everything turned out okay for us. When I hear my sister in law tell the story from a L&D nurses perspective, I realize how serious things really were.

A few months ago I wrote everything down so I wouldn't forget the details. I know I'm leaving out a ton but it's long enough as it is!

July 24, 2011

July 24, 2012

***It has been 4 months since Carter was born, and I have wanted to write his story for a long time now, but between work, school, and 3 kids I haven’t really had a ton of time ☺ So here goes, from the beginning – it is super long but I wanted to include most of the details so I have it all written down somewhere.

So I realized I was pregnant on a Friday night in January. I hadn’t been feeling well for a couple of weeks and kept telling Rubin I was “in a funk”, and then all of a sudden the realization hit me and I knew baby number 3 was on the way. Once we got over the initial shock excitement quickly set in. I woke up on Sunday morning and was bleeding, so I was immediately concerned. I texted a friend who had recently gone through a miscarriage and she told me that it sounded like that’s what was happening to me. It stopped pretty quickly so I opted to call the dr instead of going to the ER…Mon was Martin Luther King Day so they got me in first thing Tues and everything looked fine so my mind was eased for the time being.

Things seemed fairly normal throughout the pregnancy – I was tired and miserable – but I think I just had an intuition that something wasn’t going to end right…I was coaching a Special Olympics softball team and made sure that I had an extra coach that would be able to take over “in case something happened and I couldn’t make it through the season”. Rubin and I were planning a family vacation for July and I had gotten approval from the dr to be able to travel as long as things were going normally at that time, but I held off telling the kids about it or booking the hotel “just in case” something went wrong and we had to cancel. I didn’t want to get their hopes up and then disappoint them. Rubin wanted to “get fixed”, but I kept telling him to wait in case I had to have a c-section b/c then I could just get my tubes tied while they were in there.

On Weds night, June 1, I had to work until 9:30 pm and was feeling perfectly fine. Thursday morning (my day off) I got Brayden off to school and was hanging out on the couch with Cameron when he asked for some juice. I stood up and walked into the kitchen and felt something running down my leg. My initial reaction was that I was peeing my pants, but I quickly realized that wasn’t the case, so I then was afraid that my water had broken. I went to the bathroom and realized that I was bleeding….badly. I ran into the other room and grabbed Cam and threw him in the car, thought to grab a towel to put in the seat, and drove myself across the street to the hospital (seriously – I live 0.2 miles from the hospital). I called Rubin on the way there and told him not to freak out, but he of course did and immediately left work to head over to the hospital.

At this point I was 24 weeks and 3 days along in my pregnancy, so everyone in the ER freaked out. There were probably 20 people in the room and most of them were just staring at me while the main dr and nurse were yelling to get an ultrasound machine in the room right away. Meanwhile Cam is hanging out in the hallway with a nurse eating a popsicle, and Rubin is on his way there receiving frantic phone calls from the hospital, one being from the hospital chaplain. They couldn’t find a fetal heartbeat b/c my heart rate was so elevated they weren’t able to tell the difference. Everyone was freaking out and the faces on the looks of the people in the room were not comforting, yet I was completely at peace. I had felt him kick me and knew he was okay but nobody wanted to listen. I was more concerned at this point that I had ruined my favorite pair of pants (this was probably because I was a little delirious from all of the blood loss).

They finally got an ultrasound machine in the room and were able to figure out that everything looked okay and the bleeding had stopped for the time being and sent me up to labor and delivery. Once I was upstairs they started pumping me with some drug that was supposed to speed brain development and started the steroid shots for his lungs. They told me that I could start bleeding again at any moment – it could be in a few hours, days, or weeks, but that chances are it would happen again. The NICU doctor came and talked to me about the chances of survival if Carter was to be born that day, and they weren’t good – somewhere around 40%. He listed all of the possible things that could be wrong with him if he was born early and did survive….not the easiest thing to hear.

I was then visited by a MFM specialist who did another ultrasound and told me that in addition to having a partial placental abruption and placenta previa, it looked like I also had a rare condition called vasa previa. He couldn’t tell for sure because of a blood clot blocking his view, but said that if he was right then I would most likely be hospitalized until the baby was born. Either way I was looking at bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy, which is not something you want to hear when you have a 6 yr old and 2 yr old at home. He did another ultrasound on Monday and decided that it didn’t look as bad as he initially thought and they let me go home on strict bedrest, but only because I live so close to the hospital and could get there quickly.

I went back about a week later only to find out that I definitely did still have vasa previa – a vein covering my cervix that supplied the baby’s blood. It is very rare and very dangerous. I was told that if I started bleeding again, it most likely would be blood from the baby and not me, which meant that he would be drained pretty quickly of his blood and need a transfusion immediately. If I went into labor and the vein ruptured, they would only have minutes to get Carter out of me or things would not end well. Because they knew I had vasa previa, they were planning to do a c-section around 34 weeks to minimize the chance of me going into labor. The plan was to keep me at home as long as possible and then admit me to the hospital closer to time for delivery, or if things started looking worse.

My parents generously offered to take Brayden and Cameron for a few weeks, and although it was hard to be away from my boys for that long, it definitely made following doctor’s orders much easier. I had weekly doctors appointments that I looked forward to because I was able to leave the house. Those weeks of bedrest were absolutely brutal – I felt so useless and cut off from the rest of the world, but I knew that I was doing what needed to be done. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without Facebook and HGTV – and I think this is when I discovered Pinterest ☺ There were SOO many people praying for us and I knew we were in good hands.

At one of my appointments, they decided that they were going to admit me at 32 weeks and keep me in the hospital until they decided to do the c-section at 34-35 weeks. I was set up to be admitted on Monday morning, so had of course planned to wait until Sunday to pack and do everything that needed to be done. And then it happened….

I woke up at 2 am Sunday morning to go to the bathroom, as pregnant women do, and started bleeding again. I yelled for Rubin and we made a very quick decision that I needed to get myself to the hospital asap and we didn’t have time to get the other 2 boys out of bed. I grabbed another towel, ran downstairs, got in the car, and drove myself across the street to the hospital. He called his parents to try and get someone to the house to stay with the other boys so he could go be with me. Once I got to the hospital (about 1 minute away), the nurses responded immediately. They got me in a wheelchair and upstairs super fast, and quickly started looking for the heartbeat. I was NOT calm this time around because I knew the danger of the situation and literally thought that my baby was dying as I was lying there. All I could do was pray over and over “Lord, please let my baby be okay”. I was terrified. Once they found the heartbeat, they didn’t tell me what it was but I knew it wasn’t good because I was immediately rushed into the OR.

I woke up a couple hours later to find out that Carter was in the NICU and was okay, and that I ended up having a hysterectomy. They got him out of me pretty quickly and easily but then couldn’t stop my bleeding – my placenta had grown through my uterus and they couldn’t get it out. They kept calling Rubin but he wasn’t there yet so they just decided they had to take my uterus out to save me and stop the bleeding. When it was all said and done I had 6 units of blood and 2 plasma transfused back into me, and my blood levels were still below normal.

The whole process from me leaving my house to Carter being born took 21 minutes, which is absolutely ridiculous and a true testament to how quickly the nurses got things under control. One of the nurses there realized who I was once I told them I had vasa previa; my sister in law works in labor and delivery and they had just had a conversation about me a couple of days earlier so she knew my situation and knew exactly what to do. She was able to fill in the other nurses and then ran downstairs to the lab to get blood herself instead of calling and waiting for it to be delivered…amazing.

Carter was born at 31 weeks and 6 days, and weighed 4 lbs and was 16.5 inches long. I guess he looked pretty bad at first and his apgar scores were really low. He was hooked up to a million tubes and cords for the first few hours, but they were able to take several of them out pretty early on. The MFM specialist came down to my room and was absolutely in shock that Carter was okay…he could not believe that he didn’t lose any blood and hadn’t needed a transfusion. He just scratched his head trying to come up with a reason but it was truly a miracle. His only theory was that a vein ruptured instead of an artery (or the other way around – I get them confused), so that instead of Carter being drained of his blood, he just wasn’t able to receive any new blood and I was being drained of mine instead, which is okay because I have a lot more to lose.

Carter spent about 6 weeks in the NICU. He only had to be on oxygen for about a week or so and after that he just had to grow and learn to eat, which took a while. It was really hard to juggle being there with him with being home with the other 2 kids, who had barely spent any time with me throughout the bedrest. If I could I would have just sat there with him all day, and I felt guilty no matter which place I was because either way I felt like someone was being neglected.

It was so amazing when he finally came home and it is so great to have our family all together under one roof. It has been crazy and busy – I had to start back to class 5 days after he got home, and work a week later and things haven’t really slowed down since. His big brothers are amazing with him and Rubin has been super dad having to hang out with all 3 of them quite a bit due to my work and school. My life will never be the same again and I could not be more proud of my 3 boys.

Carter is now 4 months old and weighs a little over 10 lbs. He is doing so well and I am so in love with my little peanut. He is such a good baby – he just survived a 13 hour car ride and barely made a peep. He loves to snuggle and I cherish every moment I have with him. He reminds me that life is fragile and babies truly are a gift from God. I am so thankful for my little miracle and for all of the love, support, and prayers we received throughout the entire ordeal.***

Brayden's Room

So I realize that I haven't posted on here in forever. I keep saying that I will update more often but I never do. I promise I'll try!! So yesterday was Brayden's 7th birthday and part of his gift was his new bedroom. When we found out were were going to have Carter, Brayden wanted to share a room with Cam so we could keep a guest bedroom. That lasted about a year and now he wants his own space (as I figured he would). So, I finally convinced my husband to help me (and my sister) move the beds last weekend and decorated the other day. I still want to paint it (probably gray) but am really happy with how it turned out.

I have since exchanged the blue comforter for another red/gray one and the top bunk is gray.

Love this painting - I bought it months ago and have been waiting to hang it up!

Took down the awful closet doors and plan to hang curtains there someday.

Love the airplanes - another Pinterest idea!! He loves the room and we are working on keeping his little brother out. Cameron seems to be in denial that he no longer shares bunk beds with his brother. His room is my next project - hopefully if I make it fun for him he'll be more excited about it.

Ahhhh My Child!!!

This is the email I got from Brayden's teacher today....

Good morning,
I recently found out that Brayden has been eating another child's snack at snack time. He admitted to it and said he was sorry. He said he doesn't do it every day and sometimes he asks if he can have some and sometimes he just helps himself. When I asked him about it, he said he didn't bring a snack so he is eating someone elses. He asked me to let you know that he would like a snack each day. I am hoping that if he brings his own snack, he won't eat other children's snacks. He did apologize and seemed to not realize that it was wrong to eat other people's food. Anyway, just wanted to let you know.

(Speaking with him about it was actually kind of funny because he is so innocent when he makes a mistake)

Argh!! What am I going to do with this crazy child? This whole situation is frustrating - they were told at the beginning of the year to bring a healthy snack. Well, Brayden doesn't exactly like healthy food so that narrows his options to string cheese.... I packed him a snack every day at first and he kept coming home with them uneaten. When I would try to pack him chips or fruit snacks - something he would eat - he would freak out because he is "only allowed to bring healthy snacks" so I just quit sending one with him most days and he has never asked about it or said anything to me.
The craziest thing about getting this email today is that he brought his lunch - which has snacks in it!!!
Somebody is going to be writing another apology letter today....

**Update: I talked to Brayden about this when he got home. He said "Well in the mornings I just think that I don't want a snack, but then when I get there my friend Carson has the extra cheesy goldfish and I just can't resist - I have to ask him to share with me." Guess we'll be buying some extra cheesy goldfish to send to school each day and keep his grubby little hands off of other people's food!!!!

My dad informed me the other night that I needed to update my blog, so here I am! Life has been crazy yet perfect. I feel like we have been going non-stop since Carter has been home. I am back at work full-time (which is 30 hrs/week for me) and have class 2 nights/week. Rubin has been down an employee at work with another one on vacation so he has been working a ton. Brayden is playing soccer and has practice one night/week plus games on Saturdays. I'm also trying to find time to run whenever I can - I'm doing the Couch 2 5K program again and hope to run in a Turkey Trot with my mom on Thanksgiving. So here is a little update on everyone:

Rubin is superdad - he puts the 2 older boys to bed every night, out of necessity the 2 nights I'm in class but then they both ask for him the other nights too so I don't fight it. I try and use that time to clean up a little or go for a run.

Brayden is absolutely hilarious, as always. I have decided that when just the 2 of us are in my car I am going to record our conversations. He says some of the funniest things. He just had his 6 yr check up (several months late) and is in the 90th % in his height - such a big boy and constantly outgrowing his jeans. He has been struggling in school with being "impulsive" and we are trying to figure out how to deal with it. We had him tested for ADHD last December by a child psychologist who specializes in it and he came back to us with the results of not ADHD but a very high IQ. He wasn't kidding when he told us that the road ahead would not be easy - we are actually meeting with him tonight to see if he has any suggestions of how to help Brayden with his behavior in school. Wish us luck!

Cameron is the sweetest little man and still loves to cuddle which melts my heart. He loves to read books and does some of the silliest things. He is really working on his colors and counting, but not potty training!! He has absolutely no interest in wearing "big-boy underwear" and says that he likes his diapers. I think he just wants to stay our little baby forever (see picture above ;))

Carter is doing great and growing so fast! He had his 2 month check up last week and was 8 lbs 13 oz and 21.5 inches long. He still spits up like crazy - sometimes we wonder if any of his bottle stayed down, but the dr didn't seem concerned since he is still gaining weight and it doesn't seem to be hurting or upsetting him. He is starting to stay awake for longer stretches during the day and can be very alert at times. He is also stronger than I expected and lifts his upper body during tummy time and looks around - I honestly think he'll be rolling over before too long. So far they have not found any long-term issues with him so hopefully he'll just keep growing and developing normally and will eventually catch up :)

He's Home!!

I forget that there are people who read my blog and aren't friends with me on Facebook, so I'm updating here also to let everyone know that Carter came home yesterday!
He is absolutely perfect and is doing great. Brayden is the proudest big brother I have ever seen and wants to hold him all the time. Cam still isn't quite sure what's going on but is doing really well so far. He kissed Carter's head today and when I asked him if he just kissed his brother he said, "That's not my brother, that's baby Carter!". So he still has a few things to figure out :)
I have never been a more proud mommy and am so happy that our family is all in the same place and I'm not having to split my time here and at the hospital. Our perfect little family is complete :)
Again, I want to thank everyone for the prayers and support throughout these past few months. It has been a crazy ride but was all worth it in the end.

Update

So here is the update from yesterday:
I talked to the doctor last night about doing the 3 day versus 8 day monitoring. From what I understand, the 3 day is more strict and harder to pass. If he fails it, they have to wait 2-3 days and then try it again or start the 8 days over again, so if he doesn't pass then we are looking at him staying longer than 8 days anyway. For the 8 day, as long as he doesn't have any major spells he is fine. We were really struggling with what to do because obviously we want him home as soon as possible, but we also want to do what is best for him. If he comes home in 3 days and then has a spell 2 days later, how would we know without him hooked up to monitors? As hard as it was, we have decided to go ahead and do the 8 days. That is what the doctor recommended and we feel it is the safest thing to do. These "spells" are just a prematurity thing and he will grow out of them. As I was holding him last night in the hospital trying to decide what to do (and crying from the stress of the day), his heart rate dropped again. It didn't stay down long and isn't considered a spell since he was able to recover on his own, but it seemed like a sign to me that he just still isn't ready to come home.
With that being said, I talked to my doctor's nurse this morning about extending my disability to 8 weeks and she said that they can't. She was really nice about it and was very understanding of my situation, but said that they have to follow protocol. Because they will do a 6 week postpartum check up and clear me, I will no longer be under their care.
So the timeline we are looking at now is Carter coming home next Thursday or Friday and me going back to work on Tuesday. I have a few vacation days so I will probably take them to give myself at least a week home with my child before I have to go back to work, but I don't exactly want to use all of that and have nothing left either.
I also start grad school Sept 6 and will have class 2 nights a week, on days that I work, so those days I will leave the house around 6-7 am and get home around 10 pm and not see anyone in my family. It sucks, but I don't really have a choice - neither one of these classes are offered again for another year and 1/2 so I have to take them this semester.
So overall the situation just sucks, but we will figure something out. It will be a rough few months but I'll just have to suck it up and deal with it. Nothing about this summer/pregnancy/year has been ideal, but that precious baby is worth it all :)

Home Soon!!

*UPDATE: About 2 seconds after posting this the nurse called and said that he just had another spell where his heart rate dropped. He is supposed to go 8 days spell-free before he can come home, but she said sometimes they do a different monitoring for 3 days. I have to talk to the dr when I go over tonight and we'll see what they decide to do. Kind of a discouraging phone call. While I want him home, I also want to know that he is ready to come home. If he is still having problems with dropping his heart rate, we won't have monitors here to tell us so it could be dangerous. I want what is best for him but I really would like for him to be here.

Carter has been a rock star with eating and on Monday they switched him over to "ad lib" so he now eats what he wants, when he wants. When they switched him, the put him on a lower calorie formula so they said it may take a couple of days to adjust and start to gain weight. Once he gains weight 2 days in a row, he gets to come home!! He gained 4 grams (pretty much nothing) Monday night but then lost last night. They said he has been taking more than his usual amount at his last few feedings today so hopefully he'll gain tonight and tomorrow and then get to come home on Friday!! We are trying not to get our hopes up or get set on a certain day, but we are pretty sure he'll be home by the end of the weekend.
He is a month old today and we are so proud of our little miracle baby. I can't wait to have all of my family here together (but I should probably get started on the nursery...)
Thank you all for the prayers and support over the past few months. This summer didn't exactly turn out as we expected but we are thankful for how well everything is going now and are looking forward to the future :)

Oh - and I had to post this picture of him with no feeding tube! His little cheeks have fattened up quite a bit - he is up to 5 lbs 12 oz.

Growing Boy

Carter is still doing really well!! He is growing like crazy - as of last night he was up to 5 lbs 9.7 oz!!
He is starting to get the hang of taking a bottle - he took a full 2 oz for me today but he still has feedings where he gets too tired or starts breathing too fast and has to stop. The plan is that once he takes 80% of his feedings by bottle (he is a little over 50 now) then they will switch him to eating on demand - he can have however much he wants whenever he is hungry. He has to gain weight for 2 days doing that method before he can come home. We seem to be getting pretty close to that, but he also has to go 8 days "spell-free" before going home (heart rate drop below 80 for more than 20 seconds). He had been doing awesome and had not had a spell since July 31, but then the little stinker had one 2 days ago, so now he has to start the 8 days all over again.
At this point, if he gets his feedings figured out and has no more spells he could come home as early as the 25th (next Thurs). We are hoping he can come home by next weekend!

Sweet Little Peanut

Carter is doing great!! He has gained up to 4 lbs 11 oz (as of last night) and according to the nurse he is 18 1/2 inches long, but that seems like a huge difference in just 2 weeks!! (He was 16 inches when born.)
They have discontinued the caffeine, so as of right now the only thing he is getting is vitamins. He is working on taking a bottle but only take about 1/4 to 1/3 of his feeding and right now is only allowed to try once a shift (twice a day). His breathing is still fast at times but seems to be getting a lot better. He had a follow up echocardiogram yesterday but we don't have the results yet. I guess his heart murmur is still pretty loud so they want to make sure the hole isn't getting worse or something.
The past couple of days have been great - I have been able to take the boys to daycare and then spend a majority of the day over at the hospital, but today was their last day so it will be a lot harder to go see him starting tomorrow. Actually, Rubin is working until at least 7 tomorrow night so it will be pretty much impossible to see him. I have made it a habit to go to his 9 pm feeding every night and it is really nice because I can stay as long as I want and don't feel guilty about not being home with Brayden and Cam since they are in bed by then anyway. I am just ready for him to be home so I can spend time with all of my boys at the same time, but I know that he is where he needs to be right now. I feel like the past 2 weeks have gone by pretty quickly so hopefully it will keep going by fast. I just hate feeling pulled in different directions.
Other than being a little tired at times, I am feeling great! I haven't needed pain meds other than ibuprofen every once in a while. I had my incision check yesterday at the dr and everything looks good so far. I need to start dieting to try and lose this baby weight and actually am looking forward to being able to work out again. None of my clothes fit (really wish I wouldn't have gotten rid of all of my "fat clothes" last summer!!). I'm sure it will take a while to get back to my normal energy level after the bedrest combined with the blood loss but I really can't complain - I just love being allowed to get up and move whenever I want!!

Brothers

Carter was moved to a regular crib by a window last night so the boys were able to come see him today for the first time. They were so proud and excited! It was adorable to watch the boys reactions to seeing him for the first time. I think Cameron is finally starting to get that he has an actual little brother - when we left the hospital this afternoon he asked to see him again. So sweet!!

As far as an update on Carter's condition, he is doing really well. He has gained up to 4 lbs 4.5 oz and has consistently been gaining weight every day which is great. He is in a big boy bed and is off of all oxygen and his IV. Other than the feeding tube he is doing everything completely on his own. The speech therapist stopped by to evaluate him today to determine if he is ready to bottle feed yet. He still has some work to do and isn't showing an interest yet, so we just have to work on it and be patient.

I am doing really well. I am still pretty sore at times but nothing I can't live with - especially when I remember to take my pain meds which I'm not so great at doing. I am feeling fine and have been out and about several times over the past few days. (Somehow I feel well enough to go to the store but not well enough to clean the house yet ;) The more people I talk to the more I realize how crazy and dangerous the whole situation was. I'll save the details for another post, but will sum it up with the fact that God had absolutely everything to do with the fact that Carter and I are both alive right now. And another huge thank you to the doctors and nurses that were there that night - they were all seriously amazing!

Big Day!!

My mom and I just got back from seeing Carter (Rubin is with the boys, Bonnie and Levi at the monster truck show at the fair), and we were so excited when we got there to find out that not only did he get his mask off, but he doesn't have any oxygen tubes at all! (We were originally told that they were going to transition him to a cannula (sp?), which is just the regular oxygen tube.) They said that he had 2 "episodes" this morning shortly after they took him off of the oxygen but he has been stable and doing really well since. They started him on caffeine, which helps stimulate his system and help him remember to breathe - apparently sometimes he gets so relaxed he forgets. He is still breathing really fast at times, but they said that is just due to his lung immaturity and he will eventually learn to keep it slow and steady. They are also going to try and wean him off of the humidity tonight during the night shift, so he should get to transition to a regular bed soon. And he should lose the IV in the next day or 2.
Then while we were there, the nurse told us that he will be moved over to the intermediate side of the NICU during the shift change tonight. The room over there is divided up a little more and each baby has it's own little space with decorations and everything made to look like a little mini-nursery. The critical side is just a big room with a bunch of beds and no space in between. It will be so much more comfortable over there and seem a little less scary. My mom called it the "big boy side" at first, but then we got over there to see it and there was a baby that was only 2 pounds and something, so I guess they aren't all big over there after all :)
I can't believe he will be a week old tomorrow!! He is doing so well and we are so blessed.

Nothing really new with Carter. He is still doing great and getting stronger every day. He is still on the c-pap and they keep telling me that they "may take him off tomorrow" and give him just a regular oxygen tube but then every day they say he's not quite ready. As much as I know we just need to be patient and wait until he's ready, I really would like to see that precious face without straps and hoses and masks attached to it :)
HIs echocardiogram came back okay. He does have a small hole in his heart, but they said it is very common in preemies and usually closes up on it's own. They will keep an eye on it and give him medication to help if it doesn't. His brain scan also came back normal. They found a small cyst (2 millimeters), but the dr said it is nothing to be concerned about. He told me after the results that he was honestly worried about doing the brain scan because of everything Carter has been through but that he was very relieved to find no bleeding in the brain or any other problems.
For those of you worried about me, I'm doing really well. I"m glad to be home and not on bedrest - I went to Walmart today and it felt so good to just go to the store! I have enjoyed being home with Rubin, the boys and my mom. I would say it was nice to sleep in my own bed, but I wouldn't know since both kids ended up in there with us last night and I didn't get much sleep. We'll try again tonight :)

Weds Update

So far today has been pretty good. I took a shower and put on normal clothes and it feels good to not be in one of those stupid gowns anymore. They are going to give me a couple of units of blood since my levels are still low and my head has been feeling kinda funny lately. They said that I should feel a lot better after getting the blood but even after getting 2 more units I will still have low levels and be considered anemic. It will take a month or 2 for everything to be back to normal.
Carter is doing great - he is just absolutely perfect. They had to turn his oxygen levels up again today so he will have to stay on the cpap machine for a little while but they said that's perfectly normal. The doctor called this morning and said that they detected a heart murmur and they are going to do an echocardiogram this afternoon to check it out. The nurse explained to Rubin and my mom this morning that a lot of babies are born with small holes in their heart but they close up on their own within 24 hrs or so. Since he is a preemie, that could be what is causing it. If it is it's not a big deal - they will wait and see if it closes on it's own and if it doesn't they have a medication they can give him to help it. Other than that he is doing great and they increased his feedings again today and so far he has done awesome! I absolutely love that we get to hold him now - it helps it seem more real. I held him for a little bit this afternoon and he smiled at me a couple of times. Yesterday he opened his eyes while I held him. He truly is a little tiny miracle and I love him so much!!

Carter Update

I just walked down to see Carter this morning and he was sleeping so peacefully. He is really so tiny and precious - even when he cries it is the quietest little noise.
They are going to wean him off of the cpap machine hopefully by tomorrow and the nurse said that he should be gradually moved out of the isolette and into a crib by probably Friday. I still haven't been able to hold him but she said that if I come back this afternoon around 12:30 I might be able to then. My mom's flight just got in so I'm hoping her and Rubin will be back here by then so she can come in there with me when I go see him again.
My blood levels have still been pretty low - they dropped yesterday morning but then went up a little by last night. This morning they were down to 7.2 again but they have decided not to do another transfusion unless I start to show symptoms of needing it (dizzy, lightheaded, trouble breathing, etc.) and so far I have been okay. I'm still pretty sore, which is expected, but am doing okay. I will probably go home either tomorrow or Thursday.
Thank you all for the prayers, notes, texts, etc. They mean a lot to all of us! I am up for visitors if people want to come by, but nobody will be able to see Carter. They have very strict rules in the NICU and can't have visitors and he is not able to be moved over to a window yet.
For those of you confused about the middle name and when it changed from Mason to Maddox, it was kind of a last minute thing. Brayden came to us last week and said that he wanted to change the middle name. We kind of coached him into picking Maddox because we decided after our "list" was made that we both really liked it. We never made an official announcement because since we let a 6 year old pick the name we figured it would still change a few times before he was actually born, but we weren't really given enough time for that to happen so Maddox it is!

Carter's Story

Okay, a lot has happened in the past few hours so here goes....Be warned this may be TMI for some of you!
I woke up at around 2:00 this morning to go to the bathroom and all was fine but as I was sitting on the toilet I started bleeding. The boys were both asleep so Rubin and I made the decision that I would just go to the hospital alone so I could get there quickly. He called his parents and they came over to watch the boys so he could meet me over here. I got to the hospital and the nurses were awesome - they immediately got started on everything and had the dr in doing an ultrasound within minutes. I kept asking if Carter was okay and nobody could give me an answer. Then all of a sudden they rushed me into the OR to do an emergency c-section. They were finally able to get an IV in me there (I had lost too much blood and my veins had collapsed) and I was put under general anesthesia for the procedure.
So, after waking up they told me that I also ended up having another super dangerous complication called placenta accreta. Basically my placenta was attached to the inside of my uterus and they weren't able to remove it, so they had to do a hysterectomy and remove my uterus also. They didn't remove my ovaries/tubes so hormonally I'm not in menopause or anything. I lost a ton of blood and had to be given 4 units of blood and 2 units of plasma.
I found out later that when they finally found Carter's heart rate it was only 60 and he was pretty lethargic when he was first born but seems to be doing okay now. He is in the NICU and is currently breathing with a little help from the ventilator but they plan to take him off that tomorrow. He has not tried eating yet and is just on the IV for now, but they plan on trying to feed him in the next couple of days. They are also going to do a brain scan to see if there was any damage but he hasn't shown any signs of anything so far so that's good.
I was finally able to go see him this afternoon around 3 but couldn't see much from sitting in a wheelchair and I'm not able to hold him yet. I did get him to hold my finger and one of the nurses took a picture - he is so tiny!!


I have to say that last night was the scariest night of my life and I don't think I have ever prayed so hard for something as I did for him to be okay. One of the nurses told my sister in law that she is not a religious person but that we both had a guardian angel on our shoulders and that it was truly a miracle that we are both okay. I cannot say enough about the nurses and doctors that were here and handled everything. From the time I left the house to the time Carter was born a total of 18 minutes passed. They responded so quickly to the situation and saved our lives.

Help?

So everyone is asking what they can do to help. To be honest, I'm not really sure. I don't know how to ask for help - it's not something I've ever really done. I am the type of person that will just try and do everything and then beat myself up when I can't, but right now I'm in a position that I can't do anything so here goes...
I don't know what is "normal" to ask people to do and I feel really bad asking people to do things, but here is a list of some of the things I have been sitting here thinking that I wish I could do now or need to do as soon as I'm allowed:
- Clean the house: Rubin is not exactly aware of when things need to be cleaned, so I feel like I am constantly asking him to do stuff around the house but he is already really overwhelmed with the boys, work, etc. I know that once I'm gone he probably won't touch anything and this place will be disgusting
- Do yard work: luckily it has been so hot and dry that our grass is pretty much dead and hasn't needed to be mowed, but I know that Rubin would really appreciate it if someone would mow for him. The front "flower beds" (I use that term loosely since there really are no living flowers) are completely overtaken with weeds and look horrible. That is something else I would usually take care of but haven't been able to this summer.
- Laundry: Again, I love my husband, but he will not do laundry unless he runs out of clean underwear, and even then he has been known to just go buy new ones to avoid laundry. It will just pile up even more than it already has.
- Kids: We have child care arranged during the day most days between daycare and Rubin's parents, but it would probably be nice for someone to come over in the evenings or on Rubin's days off (Fridays and Sundays) to watch the kids for an hour to 2 so Rubin can come over to the hospital and see me every once in a while, or just hang out and help entertain them for a little while.
- Nursery: Carter's room still is nowhere near ready for him. The furniture and everything is in there, so if it doesn't get done it can wait until I get home, but right now all of Cam's stuff is still in there, including his name hanging on the wall. We haven't been able to do anything to update it for Carter (clean/arrange the bedding, put clothes away, etc.)
- Install the car seat: We have bought a new car seat but haven't installed it yet, and that is another one of those things that I usually do and I don't think Rubin has a clue how to do.
- Meals: Honestly, with just Rubin and the boys home I think they will be okay for the most part. The boys don't really eat anything but chicken nuggets and Rubin won't eat an entire meal on his own, although I guess he could still bring me real food over to the hospital - I'm sure the cafeteria food will get old pretty quick.
- Company: Visitors are absolutely always welcome. I have spent the past 6+ weeks completely isolated from the rest of the world and am lonely and bored out of my mind. At least at the hospital I will have nurses to talk to during the day, but not being able to spend the evenings/weekends with my family will be hard. The boys really can only handle about an hour at the hospital before they get too crazy and have to be kicked out.

Okay that is all I can think of for right now, and I feel really weird about asking for this stuff. In fact, I'm debating right now whether I will actually post this. So anyway, this is me asking for help. If you are sitting at home wishing you could do something but are waiting for me to call you and ask you, it's probably not going to happen. I'm just not comfortable doing that so don't hold your breath. If there is anything you want to/are able to do just let one of us know. You can reach either one of us by phone/text/email/facebook.

Time to pack my bags...

I had an appointment with my OB this morning, and she said that they are admitting me next week, which I kind of expected after seeing the specialist last week. So everything will be ready for me on Monday and I will go hang out in the hospital for a couple of weeks until they decide to do the c-section. We still don't know for sure when that will be, but sometime between 34 and 36 weeks, so somewhere between August 8 and 22. They will do another round of the steroid shots for lung development and I guess just see how things are looking before they make a decision. They are putting me in the hospital just so I'm there if labor does start and they will be able to respond immediately to any problem. I have read a little online about vasa previa and this seems to be standard procedure - admission to hospital during 3rd trimester and delivery around 34-35 weeks. Although I enjoy being at home, I think I will feel more comfortable at the hospital for peace of mind. I'm starting to get to the point that I am uncomfortable and with every little ache or pain I wonder if everything is okay.
I know we have been pretty easy going through all of this and haven't really asked for help from anyone, but Rubin will definitely need some additional help with the boys. I will be in the hospital for probably 3-5 weeks so he will be doing everything at home on his own and trying to get the kids to and from daycare/his moms while still going to work every day. He has been pretty stressed out as it is because it's not like I can do much but at least I'm here to help with disciplining and hanging out with the boys so it's not going to get any easier with me gone. Plus I can only imagine how nasty the house will get without me here to ask him to clean things (which I have tried not to do unless it drives me absolutely crazy since he has enough on his plate).
I can't believe it has been over 6 weeks since this whole ordeal started and that I am still pregnant with a healthy little man! We are getting close to the finish line and I am very ready to be done with bedrest and meet Carter!

Dr Appt Update

I went in today to see the MFM Specialist again. He checked everything and did another ultrasound and everything is about the same. Carter is about 3 1/2 pounds and is in the 50th percentile so he is growing perfectly. We did discuss the plan going forward and he is still very unsure about what to do. Vasa previa is pretty rare and there is really no established protocol to follow - each doctor kind of makes their own decisions. Right now his thoughts are to put me in the hospital at 32 weeks and then plan to deliver around 34 weeks. I go back to see him on the 27th and imagine he will probably admit me then. He wants to talk things over with his partners and see what their opinions are.
They did a non-stress test today to make sure I am not contracting and that the heart rate is healthy, and everything looked good.
I should get the results of my glucose test today or tomorrow (from my OB) so hopefully all is okay there.